Happy Boss’s Day

You do this again, you're going to lose, then eat, that finger.


Dear New Boss,

You are a jerk. You know nothing, which is only amplified by your level of bullying communications when you clearly don’t understand the subject matter. You were told I was a highly intelligent person, and the best Contracts Administrator in the office, yet you continually question my judgment in front of senior management and staff. And invariably wind up agreeing with me. Later. Everyone knows that you are an alcoholic and were bumped down from a Director’s level all the way down to Program Manager for drinking at work, yet you continually say things that make people think, impossibly, that you are even more of an asshole than you were when you were tossing back beers at lunch and coming in shitfaced. In addition, when I walk into your office at 6:45 a.m. because you’ve cornered me while getting coffee to ask for an immediate update on something as benign as what an Aileron looks like, or how to spell the programs you just picked up, please do not keep me in your office for an hour to tell me all about your earwax removal and subsequent vertigo. I absolutely do not give a shit, it’s disgusting, and it’s 6:45 in the f’ing morning and I just drove an hour to get here and haven’t even had coffee yet. You have been my boss for 5 workdays and I’ve already talked to my co-workers, previous boss, and HR about what an absolute dick you are. I highly recommend that the next time you feel compelled to send out an email that starts with “Sorry, but ‘that’s what they do on other programs’ doesn’t work for me” or “I don’t accept that as an answer”, you prepare accordingly for me to ball up printouts of your reply and shove them so far up your ass, you will no longer have an earwax problem.


Your New Employee