I sent the attached to Emma’s principal. I have already sent a couple of joke emails and have a great relationship with her, so don’t worry, she expects stuff like this from me. Uh…I think.
Week Ending 9/2/11
Greetings from the Boss:
Hello beloved staff! HA! I almost said that without laughing. Just wanted to give everyone a quick recap/state of affairs from last week, as well as update you on notable staff-related news.
Carpool Lane – Still Kind of a Beating
As expected, a vast majority of parents are having trouble keeping one piece of construction paper with their child’s name on it in their cars, and actually tossing it onto their dashboard when they are picking up their children in the carpool lane. They are also still giving us blank, confused, or even angry stares when we ask them to keep the far left lane clear. I’ve pretty much had it with standing there with a megaphone and/or walkie-talkie to redirect parents whom I’m surprised can even operate a vehicle. Starting next week, we will be putting all carpooling children in labeled cardboard boxes on the grass in the back courtyard. Each box will have a rope tied to it for parents to drag their kids to their cars. If I see any cars in the third lane, their drivers will be tazed. I’m serious.
2nd Annual Beginning of School Keg Party
Since we had so much fun last year, (I think…it’s fuzzy), we are planning our 2nd annual Beginning of School Keg Party. Minus all of the arrests, I thought last year’s party went really well. I’ve decided that the party will be at Ms. Davis’s house this year. I haven’t told her yet, so I’m not sure if she has a pool. If not, we will dig one like we did last year. (You’re welcome, Sandy!). Please do NOT provide any of the Kinder teachers with Jello shots. Not only do we want to avoid a repeat of last year’s “Spontaneous Kinder Teacher Chicken Dance”, but I’m still not entirely sure they’re legal to drink. The district may be convinced they are all over 21, but come on….not one of them could be over 18. Look at them.
Employee Conduct – Still An Issue
*Coach K – We all realize you are a fierce Dodgeball competitor. However, 18 1st graders were hospitalized within the first week of school. I’m pretty sure you’re not even supposed to be part of their games. The taunting alone brought several of the children to tears. What’s say we ease up on the trash-talky and get back to the coachy. Dig?
*Ms. Seagrave – It is due to your exemplary qualifications that you were offered a job at Sonntag. I do not question your dedication to musical perfection. However, please stop telling the children how much they suck. Everytime I walk by your classroom, all I ever hear is “GOD, you guys SUCK!” “Could you guys suck WORSE?” and “As expected, that completely SUCKED”. Please give these children a chance to actually learn what you’re trying to teach them. It’s only been 2 weeks for goodness sake.
*Ms. Davis. The Sonntag Streak. Enough said.
I hope everyone has a great week, (whatev), stays Sonntag Strong, and remember, we are “Shaping Minds and Touching Hearts”.
PS: the next person who “touches” my parking space is getting a tank full of sugar.
Yours in education,