Jen’s Guide to Bathroom Etiquette While You’re At Work

I work in a 50-year-old structure where aircraft structures are manufactured and assembled and shipped out on railcars. This is not the nicest bathroom I’ve ever been in. However, the entire restroom experience would be greatly improved if the Union Women of Branch 483 would just adhere to a couple of guidelines.

1. The bathroom door is not a portal that turns you into an animal when you walk through it.

There is no reason to turn into an orangutan on crack when you enter these bathrooms. I’m pretty sure you don’t piss all over the seat or drop used toilet paper on your bathroom floors at home. When I throw something in the trash can, really, I didn’t need to see the exact level of bloodflow in your most recent tampon. Flush it or at least wrap it up. Act like a human being, for Christ’s sake.

2. Just because you “can” doesn’t mean you “should”.

Yes, at sometime in our lives, we are all overcome by the necessity to drop wolf bait in public. That doesn’t mean you should explosively pass gas and moan in pleasure when there are other women in the bathroom. It’s not that busy a building, and it’s mostly full of men. If you can’t save your toilet atrocities for when you get home, at the very least try to have some consideration that there are other people standing in the room.

3. Have the sense to read your situation, and the situation of others

In regards to the previous women, if you walk into the bathroom at the same time as another woman, and you enter the stall at the same time as this woman, and you do your thing and flush and wash your hands, and that woman hasn’t moved or made a sound, it means that’s she’s trying not to be the dirty bitch referenced above and really is waiting for some privacy. Don’t call someone on your cell phone or use that moment to touch up your makeup in the bathroom mirror. Get the hell out of there before the bomb(s) drop. Save yourself.

4. I am horrified by your potential diet.

Yes, asian woman from engineering, I’m talking to you. Not only do you feel the need to share the previous night’s meal with us, but you seriously must be eating Cyanide Dumplings stuffed with Rancid Goat. If you’re so regular that “I” know that I can’t enter the bathroom after 10:15am, than surely there must be something you can do to adjust the timeframes of your bowel movements so that the unholy contents of your colon are released in your own home and not here in a bathroom that other employees need to use. At the very least, since when do asians regularly eat dead bodies and rotting fish? For the love of God, at least go to a doctor and make sure that you aren’t dying from some putrid flesh-eating abdominal disorder. I mean Jesus Christ, one time I walked in there and the flesh melted off of my face like the Nazi’s did in Indiana Jones when the Ark of the Covenant was opened.

These are my top four Bathroom Etiquette While You’re At Work points. Please, live them.